BY SHERRY YAM, LCSW

Have you ever turned down a dinner party because you felt overwhelmed as you started to think about how many people would be there?

“I won’t be able to handle the interaction.”

“I’m not good at this.”

A spiral of concerning thoughts just kept coming, so you just went ahead and said “NO” to your friend. What about that time you were hesitant to share your idea with your supervisor?

“I don’t think they’ll like my idea.”

“I suck at this. I always fail.”

Everyone has a “relational map” to help them navigate their interactions with others. Your relational map includes beliefs, feelings, and actions, often based on past experiences. These expectations about relationships often guide us to make decisions without us even knowing it. You can also call it your “backseat driver,” they tell you where to go and which way to turn.

RELATIONAL MAP = ROAD MAP!

You can also imagine that the relational map is like a road map; it takes you from point A to point B. Imagine that you’re going on a road trip from Northern California to Southern California in the year of 2021 and you take an outdated 1980’s paper road map with you. I’m sure you would eventually arrive at your destination but it may take you longer than you would want. There may be bumpy roads and road closures along the way.

Now this time I’d like you to imagine that you have a 2021 road map with you. This updated map gives you more route options and you have the flexibility to choose the best route for your trip. You have the option to avoid traffic or construction zones. Ultimately, you’ll arrive at your destination in a shorter timeframe and will probably enjoy your trip more with less bumpy roads along the way.

Sometimes your relational map is like an outdated road map which often creates inaccurate self-beliefs to guide you to approach others in a mismatched way. This mismatch can also shape how others will react to you.

You might wonder why you can’t control it.

The answer is the UNCONSCIOUS MIND. Every human being uses their unconscious mind for about 60% of their entire day. Right 60% of their day! In other words, you only use your conscious mind for 40% of your day.

Why is that?

Using your unconscious mind is EXTREMELY time efficient and it also requires less brainpower to make decisions. This is very helpful when it comes to human survival.

Oftentimes past traumatic experiences or disturbing memories can improperly create error messages - Negative Self-Beliefs, Intense Emotions, Negative Actions. The unconscious mind will turn these beliefs, emotions, and actions into your relational map, and sometimes, the ingrained expectations get in the way of new or better ways of interacting with others.

DOES THAT SOUND FAMILIAR TO YOU?

YOU’RE NOT ALONE!

A traumatic event is an overwhelming or uncontrollable experience that can happen to anyone at any age. It may be a personally life-threatening experience or may involve witnessing something that causes you to feel horrified, helpless, or intensely fearful for your life or the lives of others. These disturbing memories can include childhood abuse/neglect, domestic violence, combat violence, sudden/unexpected loss of a loved one, car accidents, critical incidents, victim of crime, sexual abuse/violence, and natural disasters (e.g., wildfire).

These uncontrollable experiences can sometimes overwhelm the emotional system and can interrupt your brain’s natural healing network to process the experiences.

You might have a painful childhood experience where your parents always told you, “You’re stupid. You’re an idiot.” If the disturbing memory has not been properly processed, you may have an improper relational map that leads you to think, “I am not smart,” and feel anxious. As a result, you might end up NOT sharing your brilliant ideas at team meetings because your relational map tells you what you’re supposed to think, feel and act unconsciously.

The good news is the relational map can be changed. With trauma-focused therapy, you can be free from untrue negative self-beliefs and intense emotions. You can have the ability to discover more flexible and effective ways that will guide you to make more aligned decisions in your current and future relationships.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO IT ALONE!

A trauma therapist will help create a safe space for you to process the disturbing memories and your therapist will guide you along in this healing journey. Your therapist can help you learn skills to be comfortable with both positive and negative emotions. They can also help you learn communication skills to improve and maintain interpersonal relationships.

With all that being said, it’s never too late to start this healing process and create a new map that identifies where you want to go in relationships and how you’re going to get there. You can be free from living in a restricted tiny box - your Past Experiences. You can find yourself having more options and possibilities in making decisions in your life journey. You can be confident to communicate with others in ways that are consistent with your values. You can be more clear about what you want in your career choices.